Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Granny Smackdown

Yes, I'm considering a Granny Smackdown. And even my hubs, who encourages me to let loose with my temper more often, is running scared. See I'm one of those people who will turn the other cheek a MILLION TIMES. I mean it really takes a lot to get me worked up. So, most people would be surprised to learn that I can give Jeremy a run for his money in the temper department with the right provocation. Main difference between the hubs and I is that he has an extremely short fuse and mine is a mile long.

So why do I want to wage war on a short little red-headed Granny? Because she demands to see my receipt every time I leave our local Walmart. Every stinkin' time!! For five years now this evil woman has stopped me every time she has door greeter duty and I'm unlucky enough to exit on her side of the store. You would think that after five years she would realize I'm not a shoplifter. The worst part is she will stop me NO MATTER WHAT.

Every single item in the buggy will be bagged. Stops me.
Didn't set off the alarm. Stops me.
Pretend I don't hear her asking to see my receipt. Chases me out the door and stops me.

When will the insanity end?? And technically, what she is doing is against the law according to my brother-in-law who is a former Walmart loss prevention agent and a current police officer. Legally, unless there is probable cause she is accusing me of shoplifting each time she asks to see my receipt. Apparently Walmart gets away with this because no one has the time or money to take the mega store to court over it.

I've managed to retain my politely rude attitude with her over the years. I have actually had very few cross words with her. "Really? Why are you stopping me this time?" "Seriously?" Honestly the worst I've done is try to set her on fire with my scorching evil looks. (Where's Carrie when you need her!?)
I've even held myself in check after she mentioned to Jeremy that I was"high strung" following one of his solo trips to Walmart. But this past Saturday she pushed me right over the edge.

Jeremy comments during a Razorbacks watch party at his parent's house that he was told earlier that day how he was the "nice and friendly half" of our marriage.

Snort/laugh. "Really? By who?"

"The door greeter that you hate at Walmart. She said hi to me on the way in the door and then stopped to tell me how nice and friendly I was, unlike my wife. And that she prays for me every night because I'm married to you."

WHAT????!!!!!

Psycho Granny is going down!

Down Down DOWN!!!!

My very stoic and cop-like brother-in-law laughed so hard I swear tears came into his eyes.

The Granny Smackdown is on folks. One of us will be walking away from our little exchange in tears and it will not be yours truly. By the time I finish telling her off I may need someone to post bail. If you hear on the news about a "mom of two going berserk at a local Walmart" you know the Smackdown went down.

Praying for my husband! Get real Granny! Start praying for yourself cause I'm coming after you with a vengeance.

2 comments:

dave and jenn said...

I am laughing so hard I am crying! Dave is laughing too, because I HAD to read that out loud to him. I would be so, so pissed if I were you. I can't wait to hear how this shakes out!

Brittany @ GreyGreyDesigns said...

What a bitch! LOL.